Chasing Butterflies
by inkheart9459
Summary: Miranda hates the phrase 'can we talk.' It never leads to good things, and almost always leads to heartbreak above all else. When Andrea comes into her study and asks her to talk, Miranda fears the worst but prays this time will be different.


This is for Mirandy Week day 3 Vulnerable. Thanks to Crazybecat for the beta and the amazing turn around time since I am a trash can and get this done at the complete last minute. As a warning this story does talk about a stillborn baby, so if that isn't your thing this isn't the droid you're looking for.

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Miranda could tell just how nervous Andrea was just by how she walked into the room. The other woman drew into herself when nervous, trying to make herself as small a target as possible. The look on her face, however, was at odds with her posture. Whatever it was that had prodded Andrea into the room was obviously important enough for her to push past whatever fear she had about Miranda's reaction. Andrea had nothing to fear from her, and she knew it, but sometimes the timid little Midwestern girl that had walked into Runway six years ago prevailed.

"Yes, darling?" Miranda smiled at her, barely more than a quirk of the lips, but Andrea was well aware that her smiles were never large, teeth-y things. Andrea understood a great lot about her even at the beginning, more than even her spouses had ever learned in all the years they'd been married to her. Perhaps that was why she'd fallen in love with the girl. Or perhaps it was a million other things combined. Andrea was too hard to quantify in qualities and words, though the editor in her had been trying for years.

Andrea walked in and sank down on the floor beside Miranda's chair. She laid her head on Miranda's thigh and sighed, twining her arms around Miranda's lower legs. Miranda could feel the tension radiating through her, but she relaxed incrementally as Miranda reached out and started to stroke her fingers through long brown hair.

"I know you're in the middle of reviewing the Book, but I couldn't make myself wait until you'd finished. Can we talk?"

Miranda froze at those words. Can we talk never led to anywhere good. She had heard those words before every bad event in her life, both divorces had seen that phrase used more than once, every break up, every time she was fired. She swallowed hard. Andrea couldn't be breaking up with her, could she? She thought they were happy. Miranda herself was the happiest she could ever remember being short of the day the twins were born. Did Andrea not feel the same?

Andrea's hands stroking gently along her calves brought her back from her dark thoughts. "It's nothing like that, Miranda, I love you. I never want to leave, at least as long as you don't want me to."

Miranda leaned forward and kissed the top of Andrea's head. "Never." She felt Andrea swallow against her leg.

"Um, maybe save that until after this, ok?"

Miranda closed her eyes. Andrea was cheating then. Or had cheated, which of course she would call an accident if it was only one time, but Miranda had been through this song and dance before, it never was truly just once. Miranda had known that her husbands would cheat again, had started preparing for the end, and most assuredly hadn't ever forgiven them even though she said she had. Andrea, however, would be forgiven. As with all things she was special in Miranda's heart. Goodness knew, the girl might actually mean it when she said never again. Then again, Miranda did live on hope as blind as it sometimes made her.

She waited and waited for Andrea to go on, knowing that if pushed before she was ready the other woman would spook and bolt from the room before she had gotten a chance to speak. They breathed together in silence for tense moments. And still, as tense as it was Miranda had never been this relaxed around a lover. Her husbands always had her back up. She was always on guard with them. Even sitting in this moment waiting for Andrea to destroy her heart she was more open. She had a feeling she would regret that immensely in a few moments.

"You said a couple years back that Caroline and Cassidy are my daughters as much as they are yours."

Miranda was taken aback. That was not how she had thought this conversation would start. Her face scrunched just the tiniest bit. Perhaps she was wrong about where this was going?

She sat back. But if she wasn't wrong then she would not hesitate to murder Andrea. Her girls. They were the ones that ranked above all others, including Andrea. The other woman knew that and was completely fine with it, but if she had so much as touched a hair on either of the twins heads inappropriately she would spare no quarter.

"And that's true, and I feel like they're my own, I really do." She sniffled. "I love them to death and would literally kill for them, but…" She trailed off and didn't go on for a few minutes leaving Miranda on the precipice. The more Andrea spoke the more Miranda thought she was wrong, but she still wasn't sure where this was going and she hated surprises.

"But I didn't really get to raise the girls. I missed out on the first ten years of their lives and I regret that more than you know. And as selfish as it is, I want that. I want to raise a kid from birth until whenever I die. But I know that's unfair to you and I know that's unfair to the twins. I don't ever, ever want them to think that I don't think of them as enough. They are. They really, really, are. And if I had been with you when they had been born this wouldn't even be a thought of mine, but it is and—" Andrea drew in a shaky breath. "I've tried to convince myself out of it a hundred times, every time I see you and the girls, really, but some part of me won't listen to reason." She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe it's just my biological clock going off and maybe it will fade with time if I just ignore it, but right now, more than anything, what I want is to have a baby. And I knew I had to tell you since we talk to each other about everything important, but I really didn't want to hurt you either and I just…I'm a selfish idiot."

Andrea collapsed against her knee, completely spent now that her confession was out in the open.

Miranda thought for a long moment, keeping her hand moving through Andrea's hair steadily, never pausing once. She needed the other woman to know that she was not rejecting her, only that she needed time to think. Unbidden, an image of a tiny little girl with Andrea's big brown eyes popped into her mind. Her heart ached at the picture. Oh, a little girl like that would be worth everything in the world, just as the twins were.

Then terror rose up and consumed her. What if Andrea—she couldn't even think it. There was too much pain there, choking her, making her dizzy. She had barely survived. She didn't want her love to go through that. She didn't think she could go through that again either.

She breathed deeply and released it slowly. She knew she had to tell Andrea. The other woman was right, they told each other everything important, and in this context, it was extremely important to explain any and all reticence she might have about the proposal of another child. But where to even begin? She didn't know. She'd never told anyone before. No one had been worth the story.

"When I was about three years younger than you are now I had a short relationship with a man in London while I was Art Director there. I don't even really remember his name, but it is unimportant, really. Two months after we had broken it off, not that there was much to break off, I learned that I was pregnant. I was making enough at the time that I knew even as a single parent I could handle a child and continue working with the help of a nanny. I had no one else to help, but that didn't matter. I wanted the child from the moment I found out. No one would've believed at the time, but I had always wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember, I just knew in order to get where I wanted I had to wait a bit longer than most."

Andrea turned to look up at her, brown eyes still watery, and so very questioning. Miranda tried to smile at her, but she couldn't manage. She could fake every single emotion on the spectrum, but not now, not when she was about to be laid completely bare.

"And so I proceeded with the pregnancy alone. The father had wanted nothing to do with the child, which was what I wanted in the first place, so I was pleased. Everyone at work was surprised when they found out. Even then I had much the same reputation as I have now." Miranda laughed, but it wasn't exactly a happy one. "I just glared them all into submission again and everything proceeded as normal."

She looked away from Andrea, unable to keep the eye contact going. The urge to curl in on herself was overwhelming. She resisted, as she had every time she thought back to these memories for the last twenty-five years.

"Everything with the pregnancy went well. I followed every single guideline that was given to me, I changed my diet, avoided everything I should've, exercised, got enough sleep for once in my life, anything they told me to I did because I wanted this child more than anything. By the time the ninth month rolled around I was ready for anything. My flat was stuffed to the gills with anything a baby could ever need. The nursery was almost a work of art in its own right."

She smiled despite herself. She had spent many hours in that room, making sure it was all perfect for her baby. It had been wonderful, a beautiful, soothing shade of blue with white furniture and murals she had painted by hand of baby animals of all shapes and sizes. During the last month of her pregnancy it was the only place that she could go where the baby would stop kicking enough for her to sleep. She hadn't minded since she enjoyed the room so much.

"I thought I had done everything right." Miranda closed her eyes and turned her face to the ceiling. "I went into labor right in the middle of Runway UK. I finished up the layout I had been working on before I headed down to the hospital. Everything checked out fine with me and we waited and waited. Labor," she shook her head. "It takes so long, mostly just sitting around and cursing when contractions hit. Such an odd biological process."

She blinked her eyes open to find the room blurred with tears. She wiped them away agitatedly. She had to get through the rest of the story before she could cry or she would never get through the story.

"But by the time I dilated enough, something had gone wrong. They rushed me into surgery, but it was too late. Somewhere in the twenty minutes between checkups the baby had died. They never did figure out why. They told me sometimes it just happens no matter how well everything went before. Needless to say, that answer wasn't good enough for me, but yelling and screaming didn't help my case much. She was buried a few days later in a cemetery outside of London in the prettiest place I could find. I couldn't go back to my apartment after that. I sent my assistant over to pack all of my things, found a hotel for the interim, and then moved clear across town, but the pain still followed me everywhere for an ungodly amount of time. It still does, I think."

She sighed and relaxed back into her seat. The hardest part was over now. Andrea stood up and climbed into the chair with Miranda, curling around her and wrapping her up tight in long arms. Miranda laid her head on Andrea's shoulder and blinked back another round of tears.

"When I found out I was pregnant with the twins eight years later I was terrified it would happen again. I almost ended it right there and then just so I wouldn't have to go through the pain again, but I couldn't. I still desperately wanted to be a mother, perhaps more after everything I'd been through. When they were born and each one cried almost the minute they were out of the womb I cried. No one thought it odd, of course. They thought they were happy tears. And to an extent they were, but they were more relief than anything and perhaps more that little sadness that the previous time hadn't ended in a positive way as well."

She kissed Andrea's collarbone underneath her lips. She wanted to go to sleep now, but there was more to say, not to mention the Book still lay on the floor now, half-finished. Maybe Andrea would take the Book away from her and lead her to bed, she had before on bad nights. She was always taking care of Miranda in ways that no one had thought to before, driven off by her prickly personality and the fear that she would snap at them.

"The thought of a small version of you running around the townhouse is an attractive thought. I would like that if you would. We would have to talk to the twins, but they are mature young women now, and I'm sure they would understand easily. In a year they will be off to college and out on their own. They aren't small children who would begrudge attention being taken away from them. If anything they might enjoy a bit less scrutiny." Miranda smirked. "Not that they will get it, but they might think they will. And we have more than enough love to go around, don't we, darling?"

"Of course we do. God, I love them so much, Miranda. I love you so much." She leaned down and kissed Miranda gently. "I'm so sorry that happened to you and the little baby."

"As am I, as am I." Miranda looked into Andrea's eyes again. "Any and all reservations I would have about this would be because I don't want you to ever have to go through that pain. I want to protect you from everything that I can, but I also understand that somethings are worth the risk. You most certainly were and so were the twins. I can promise you I will be here for you no matter what happens. But god do I hope I never have to go through that again, and that does scare me. I might break under the pain. And I don't think if that happened I could be with you in the way that you need."

Andrea pushed her forelock off her head gently and kissed the forehead revealed by the action. "I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and also I know that the two of us will support the other no matter what and no matter how much pain we're in. That's what we've done the past six years and that's what we'll continue to do no matter what."

They sat in silence for a while, hugging each other tightly. The tears that Miranda had held back for so long managed to break free. They soaked into Andrea's shirt, but the other woman didn't pull away. She made soothing circles on Miranda's back while the other woman cried until no tears would come. She felt completely drained when she was done, but she felt lighter than she had in years. She snuggled further into Andrea and relaxed.

"You really want to do this?" Andrea asked later.

"If you want to, then yes, I do. I can't promise at some point I won't snap because of everything, but I do."

Andrea fell silent for another minute. "Miranda?"

"Yes, darling?"

"What would you have named her?"

Miranda swallowed hard. "Hanna, I would have named her Hanna." She swallowed. "It's tradition in Jewish families to name your children after a deceased relative in their honor. She was my favorite aunt growing up, and so I was going to name the baby after her."

"Miranda…"Andrea trailed off, obviously not sure if she should continue.

"Yes?"

"If we had a daughter, would you be opposed to naming her after Hanna? As a memorial to both your aunt and the little girl?"

Miranda thought about it for a second, thought about having to think about that day every time she called her daughter's name, having to explain where the name came from eventually. She took a deep breath. Could she really do that? She wasn't sure, but at the same time the name sounded right for a brown eyes little girl with a smile bright enough to light up the room. She would be as loving as her mother and as the aunt who was her namesake. She could live on and perhaps then the memory wouldn't hurt so much.

"Yes, I think I would like that."

She leaned up and kissed Andrea as hope sprung up within her and a beautiful little girl chased butterflies in her mind.


End file.
